My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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