Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
