hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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