if you like me you must not know who I am
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Randomize
