ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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