i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
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The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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