My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
