i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
