I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
