I feel great
I just peed on a car
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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