yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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