I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
