My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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