I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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