i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
