Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
