I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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