I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
