my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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