just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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