I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
