I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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