So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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