we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
