Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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