Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
