I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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