Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you guys were way drunker than both of me
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
