Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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