so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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