I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
