...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
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