And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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