I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
