dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
