This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
