I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
