Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
