My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
