I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
