In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
