You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Randomize
