so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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