Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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