You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
