i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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