he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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