I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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