Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
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Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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