I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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