So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
