i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
