This is not my ceiling
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
