well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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