Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
