I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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