the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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