So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
